After last week's race in Watford I had been struggling to find motivation. I like running as fast as I can and running well in races but how could I find a motivation like chasing a personal best from thirteen years ago.
It was liberating. I felt I had done what I set out to do and more, so I could breathe a sigh of relief, sit down with a nice cold cider and think no more about running.
I spoke to Chris and discussed ending my season early, as it was we could see no other option. You just can't run to the best of your ability if you are not bothered about the outcome and in athletics or in my mind anyway anything less than the best of my ability on any given day is not acceptable.
We set my next big target as reaching the final of the midland indoors and knowing that if I can chip away at my times now it'll be that little bit easier come January helped a bit but we are talking about January and it seems such a long way away.
I pondered for a while and tried to gain some perspective. This is not the first time I've struggled with motivation and I thought back to what I have done on other occasions. In the past I've tried to rewind time in order to appreciate what a blessing it is to be in the position I am now. I search for past motives, how would I be feeling if this was me in the same position two years ago. What were my motives then? That is usually enough.
I run because I enjoy it, because it gives me a focus, because it is liberating, it keeps me healthy. It clears my mind, releases a lot of the tension that comes with ADHD. It was a big help in beating depression and gave me an escape route when I felt overwhelmed. It gave me the incentive to stop drinking, smoking and taking drugs! It is empowering!.
Immediate goals are now irrelevant. This is why I run and this is why I will continue to race to the best of my ability. Its not all about goals it's about giving an account of myself, not necessarily to anyone but myself either. On to Oxford!
Steve kindly agreed to take me, and this was another motivation for me. I knew it would make his day if I were to run well and apart from a a bit of petrol money this was how I could repay him for driving me all that way.
I warmed up around the field next to the track running for 11 minutes. The 800's started at 8.10, I had put 1.59 down as my predicted time to make sure I was in the fastest race. My race would then be the last of 5 races and the last race of the evening. This meant I would be running at 8.30 at the earliest and as I suspected they were probably running late so I didn't start my warm up till about 7:40.
As I suspected they were running late so I took my time with my drills and just did a couple of strides here and there until the 2nd of the 800's had finished when I put my spikes on and did a few more strides in quick succession.
I was drawn in lane six. As the gun went I tried to go out hard but already I could feel a couple of others coming past on my inside and the lane outside me moving away. At this point I knew it would be fast. My pace judgement is not great in an 800m as I'm more comfortable with the 1500m nowadays. The whole thing feels too fast so I find the first lap Unnerving especially waiting for my 400m split thinking it could be anywhere between 56 and 66!
There was a bit of pushing and shoving in the early stages whilst fighting for position, I wasn't effected too much but I was forced to run wide down the back straight.
I went through the bell in 60, this was ideal as it was exactly what I had been instructed to aim for.
Three had pulled about 2 or three seconds clear by this stage and I was towards the middle of the chasing pack. Approaching the bell I moved out and started to move up. On the bend a Lad came past me and I chased him hard on the back straight not giving him an inch before passing him again at 250m to go. I was really pushing at this point and felt I was continuously winding up so I was surprised to feel I had more to give with 150m left. I gave it everything I had, I was too far detached from the leaders to catch them but I was closing them down whilst also running in fear of others chasing me down.
I crossed the line in a new seasons best of 2.03.05. Again I feel I can go faster. The margins are getting smaller but I feel there may be a few more tenths to be made in the last 300m. I am not entirely sure where but although I gave it everything I had on the day my strong finish is a good indication that there is more to come.
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